The three hidden levels beneath every argument, and how to finally reach the real conversation
If you want the bigger landscape of evidence-based couples therapy approaches (Gottman, EFT, attachment work, and more), start with our evidence-based frameworks guide.
The toilet paper roll. The cabinet door left open. The tone of voice when they said “fine.”
These are the battles we wage. The hills we choose to die on.
A friend once told me she and her husband fought about a wet towel on the bathroom floor for three straight years. Every. Single. Morning. He’d shower, drop the towel, walk out. She’d find it, feel something ignite in her chest, and the day would begin with tension.
- They tried logic. (“It takes two seconds to hang it up.”)
- They tried compromise. (“I bought a towel hook and installed it right next to the shower.”)
- They tried giving up. (“I’ll just pick it up myself.”)
Nothing worked.
Then one morning, after another round of the same tired argument, she broke down crying and said something she didn’t even know she was thinking: “It’s like I don’t exist to you. Like my needs just… don’t register.”
They weren’t fighting about a towel. They’d never been fighting about a towel.
The Iceberg You Can’t See When You’re Standing On It
Every fight in your relationship has three levels. The problem is, most couples only ever reach the first one.
Level 1: The Surface
This is what you’re arguing about. The dishes. The in-laws. Who forgot to pay the electric bill. The thing you can point to and say, “This is the problem.”
Level 2: The Emotion
This is how the surface issue makes you feel. Disrespected. Ignored. Controlled. Overwhelmed. Unappreciated. These are the words that rarely get spoken but drive all the intensity of the fight.
Level 3: The Attachment
This is the deepest level. The question your nervous system is really asking. It sounds like:
- “Do I matter to you?”
- “Am I safe here?”
- “Will you leave me?”
When you fight about dishes but feel like you’re fighting for your life, it’s because your brain has dropped to Level 3 without telling you. You’re not defending your position on household chores. You’re defending against your deepest fear about the relationship.
Not sure which pattern is firing? Take the Attachment Style Quiz and read the rest of this guide with that lens.
This is why fights feel so disproportionate to their causes. The surface issue is just the costume the real issue wears.
Why Your Brain Keeps This From You
Here’s the frustrating part: when you’re triggered, your brain literally cannot access deeper understanding.
When cortisol floods your system during conflict, your prefrontal cortex (the part responsible for insight, empathy, and seeing the big picture) goes partially offline. Dr. Dan Siegel calls this “flipping your lid.” Your thinking brain gets hijacked by your survival brain.
Survival brain only knows three things: fight, flight, or freeze. It’s not interested in exploring attachment wounds. It wants to win, escape, or shut down.
Gottman’s research found that when couples’ heart rates exceed 100 beats per minute during conflict, they lose the ability to absorb new information or take their partner’s perspective.
They become physiologically incapable of productive conversation. This is why the advice to “just talk it out” often backfires. When you’re flooded, talking makes things worse, not better.
This explains why the same fights happen over and over. In the heat of the moment, you can only see Level 1. You resolve (sort of) the dishes. But the real issue at Level 3 never gets touched.
The argument isn’t recurring because you haven’t solved it. It’s recurring because you haven’t reached it.
If you need a script for what to do while flooded, our minute-by-minute guide to the first hour after a fight walks you through calming down before talking.
The Same Wound, Different Costumes
Once you start seeing fights this way, you’ll notice something striking: your “different” fights often share the same emotional core.
For one couple I know, it looked like this:
- Fight 1: He works late again without calling.
- Fight 2: He forgets their anniversary dinner plans.
- Fight 3: He checks his phone while she’s telling a story.
Three different surface issues. Same underlying question at Level 3: “Am I a priority to you?”
Most couples have one or two core attachment wounds that appear in different disguises across dozens of surface fights. Find the pattern, and suddenly years of conflict start making sense.
If these patterns feel familiar, the relationship blueprint guide shows how your early models of love shape every argument—and how to rewrite them together.
The Three-Level Decoder
When you’re not in the middle of a fight (this part is important), you can use these questions to find the real conversation beneath your recurring conflicts.
Step 1: Name the Surface
Ask: “What is the literal thing we’re arguing about?”
Be specific. Not “communication” but “the way you responded to my text.”
Step 2: Find the Emotion
Ask: “What am I actually feeling? Not what I’m saying, but what’s happening in my body?”
Common answers: disrespected, dismissed, controlled, abandoned, criticized, invisible.
Step 3: Reach the Attachment
Ask: “What am I afraid is true about us? What question is my heart really asking?”
The answers often sound like:
- “I’m afraid I don’t matter to you.”
- “I’m afraid you’ll leave.”
- “I’m afraid I’m not enough.”
- “I’m afraid I’m alone even when we’re together.”
The deeper you go, the more vulnerable the truth becomes. And paradoxically, that’s where connection lives.
Five Common Fights Decoded
Let’s take some of the most universal relationship battles and trace them to their roots.
1. The Dishes (and Chores in General)
- Surface: “You never clean up after yourself.”
- Emotion underneath: “I feel like a servant. I feel taken for granted.”
- Attachment question: “Do I matter to you when I’m not standing right in front of you?”
When someone explodes about dishes, they’re usually not upset about the dishes. They’re upset about feeling invisible.
2. Phone Use (Especially During Connection Time)
- Surface: “Can you get off your phone?”
- Emotion underneath: “I feel less interesting than whatever’s on that screen.”
- Attachment question: “Am I enough to hold your interest? Would you rather be somewhere else?”
This fight is really about feeling chosen.
3. Being Late (Or Forgetting Plans)
- Surface: “You said you’d be here at 7.”
- Emotion underneath: “I feel like an afterthought.”
- Attachment question: “Can I count on you? When it matters, will you show up for me?”
Lateness triggers something primal about reliability. The question isn’t really about 20 minutes. It’s about whether you’re the kind of person who keeps their word.
4. Money (Spending, Saving, Priorities)
- Surface: “Why did you buy that without talking to me first?”
- Emotion underneath: “I feel scared about our future. I feel out of control.”
- Attachment question: “Are we safe? Are you building a future with me, or just for yourself?”
Money fights tap directly into survival fears.
5. Physical Intimacy (Frequency, Initiation)
- Surface: “We never have sex anymore.”
- Emotion underneath: “I feel rejected. I feel unattractive.”
- Attachment question: “Am I still desirable to you? Have you checked out?”
This might be the most vulnerable fight there is. Rejection in the bedroom feels like rejection of your whole self.
Emergency Decoder Card
Screenshot this for your next fight
When triggered, ask yourself:
Level 1 (Surface): What are we literally arguing about?
→ Be specific. Name the actual thing.
Level 2 (Emotion): What am I really feeling?
→ Disrespected? Dismissed? Controlled? Invisible? Criticized? Overwhelmed? Abandoned?
Level 3 (Attachment): What’s my heart actually afraid is true?
→ “I don’t matter to you”
→ “I’m not safe here”
→ “You’ll leave me”
→ “I’m not enough”
The deeper the level, the closer to the real conversation.
How to Share This With Your Partner
Knowing about the three levels is powerful. Getting your partner to explore them with you is harder. Here’s what not to do:
- Don’t bring this up during a fight. Nothing kills a productive conversation faster than “You know what your real problem is…” mid-argument.
- Don’t use it as a diagnosis. “I’ve figured out your attachment wound” sounds condescending even when you’re right.
Instead, try this:
- Share the concept as a discovery, not a prescription. “I read something that really made me think about our arguments differently. Want to hear about it?”
- Start with yourself. “I’ve been trying to figure out what I’m really feeling in our recurring fights. I think underneath my frustration about [surface issue], I’m actually scared that [attachment fear].”
If They’re Not Ready to Go Deeper
Sometimes a partner isn’t ready. That’s okay. You can still do your own work to understand your reactions. Progress doesn’t require both partners to have the same emotional vocabulary. It just requires one person willing to go first.
Finding Your Core Fight
After enough surface fights traced to their roots, a pattern emerges. Common patterns include:
- “Am I a priority?” (Fights about time, attention, canceling plans).
- “Do you respect me?” (Fights about criticism, tone, not taking advice).
- “Can I trust you?” (Fights about reliability, broken promises, secrets).
- “Am I enough?” (Fights about comparison, attraction, jealousy).
- “Are we a team?” (Fights about money, parenting, individual vs. couple priorities).
When you find your core fight, everything clicks. The pattern isn’t random. It’s been trying to tell you something all along.
The Invitation Beneath Every Fight
Here’s what I’ve come to believe: Every fight is an invitation.
Not to argue. Not to win. But to understand something important about each other that hasn’t been said yet.
Your recurring fights aren’t evidence that your relationship is broken. They’re evidence that there’s something deeper trying to be heard.
The question isn’t whether you’ll fight. Every couple does. The question is whether you’re willing to follow the fight down to where the truth lives.
Next time you find yourself in a familiar fight, try this: stop defending your position on the surface issue. Instead, get curious about what’s underneath.
Start there. That’s where the real conversation has been waiting.
The Three Levels: Quick Reference
- Surface Level: What we’re arguing about (dishes, time, money)
- Emotion Level: What I’m actually feeling (disrespected, ignored, controlled)
- Attachment Level: What I’m afraid is true about us (I don’t matter, I’m not safe, I’m alone)
Most couples fight at the surface. Real healing happens at the attachment level.
Next time conflict leaves you standing in the debris, remember: you’re one question away from beginning the repair. Try our guided conflict resolution sessions and discover how your cracks can become your gold.
At the time of this article we are offering up to two free sessions on new accounts.
Join now and choose repair.